Ethiopians may have discovered cheap, all-natural energy drink

As the African Society for Laboratory Medicine convenes for the first time this week, we may hear more about a major breakthrough in the effort to improve energy drinks. Ethiopian scientists may have made the key step of finding an easy way to isolate caffeine from more harmful ingredients like taurine, guarana, and heavy sodium.

“Actually, it was kind of an accident,” relates Debna Legnel, an assistant in a pharmacological lab in town. “As our lab isn’t located in downtown Addis Abba, there are many native plants growing on our campus. Some of these plants grow right outside our lab’s windows. We had a small fire in the lab this week, and a few of the Coffea arabica plants outside were charred. After a heavy rain, we noticed some mice outside drinking the dark water that had collected under the roasted plants.

“It was clear that the dark-water drinking mice exhibited different behavior from other mice. Their movements became erratic. They were increasingly interested in our discarded cigarette butts, and would scurry to sit beneath the window whenever any folk music came on the radio in our lab. We aren’t sure of what all the effects of drinking the dark water could be, but one thing is certain–these little devils have more energy.”
                                       
“So, harnessing the oils contained in the roasted beans of the coffee plant might yield a sustainable, inexpensive source of caffeine. We’re just not sure. We’ll have to run some more tests.”

The scientists have taken to roasting the beans of the coffee plant, grinding them into a powder, and steeping them in hot water to create a warm liquid. Their nicknames around the lab for the substance include names that translate loosely as “GoGo Juice,” “Toxic Sludge,” and “The Black Devil.”

Shopping carts and baskets tired of being ditched go on strike

Doctor John is what I get when I Google "shopping cart on strike."

“Look, just because it’s someone’s job to put us back doesn’t mean it’s cool to leave us hanging around in a parking lot,” argues Thomas #3, the leader of the Shopping Conveyances’ Union Local #454.

Apparently, shoppers are frequently ditching their carts in places they shouldn’t–and enraging the carts themselves. And now the carts are doing something about it.

“If it wasn’t for me, you’d be stuck carrying your kid, 24 rolls of toilet paper, and a Jerry McGuire DVD in your hands. How about a little respect?”

Until further notice, the Union is on strike. They’re demanding higher wages, better housing, and an anti-choking game campaign for the workers that typically corral them. Let’s hope that retail locations everywhere can end this crisis so we can go back to buying a lot of stuff.

Scientists celebrate stunning new Mars findings

Scenes of joy and revelry have been the norm this week at Kennedy Space Center, where NASA scientists are ecstatic over the latest findings of the Mars rover Opportunity.

“It’s taken over seven years and nearly a billion dollars,” pined mission commander Ted Quigley, “and most people thought we’d never be able to do it. But guess what? We sent an r.c. car to Mars and drove it around. And now we can say with 100% accuracy that there’s nothing but red rocks and dust up there! Yeah!”

Not everyone agrees with the success of the project, though. Marcie Dodd of Princeton University’s Physics Department believes attention would have been better paid elsewhere. “What we should have done is sent an r.c. car to Venus. It’s all about Venus. It’s about the same size and shape as Earth, on average it’s closer to Earth than Mars, and it is just as uninhabitable and unlikely to yield anything useful or interesting.”

Jack Johnson’s 5th metal album another critical failure

There’s no doubt about it–critics just don’t like Jack Johnson’s brand of metal.

Rolling Stone calls To the Sea, Johnson’s latest offering to the metal gods, “the worst metal album since his last metal album. Way too chilled out. Try again.”

And proponents of the genre are equally unimpressed. “What is this crap?” asks Slayer frontman Tom Araya. “This guy thinks he’s metal? I wouldn’t call it that. It’s more like, I dunno, G. Love gone surfing or something.”

Johnson himself seems confused. “I don’t know, man. The whole time I’m writing, playing, and recording, my mantra is ‘Satan, Satan, pour me blood.’ I guess it’s just not working. I don’t know. Maybe I should go electric?”

Major peanut butter brand sues choosy moms

You’ve probably heard Jif’s clever and harmless tagline before: “Choosy moms choose Jif.” What you may not have heard is that this wasn’t just a bit of clever advertising.

“No, it wasn’t just a couple of Don Drapers that came up with that one,” remarks Thomas Miller, chief legal counsel for the J.M. Smucker company. “Those choosy, overbearing hags made a deal with Jif, and Jif isn’t about to forget it. We’re gonna round up every one of these lying jerks and make them pay.”

Apparently the Choosy Moms of America, a consumer advocacy group active between 1975 and 1998, met with Jif at their invitation to offer ideas for improving their product. In turn, the choosy moms agreed to endorse and solely patronize the Jif brand.

Doris Goodland, the last official spokesperson for the CMA, isn’t so worried about the suit. “Maybe if they spent more time figuring out how to remove the 800% USRDA of saturated fat from their product instead of attacking a group of aging moms, they might have a chooseable product.

“I mean, come on. My son is 28 now. It’s not as if I’m still choosing the peanut butter for him.”

Local aunt insists cherry blossom road trip to D.C. is worth it

“Every year your uncle and I take a trip down to see the cherry blossoms. What’s not to love?”

Aunt Linda Beecher, our mother’s sister, is a big fan of the nation’s capital–and its main horticultural attraction.

“So we have to fight rush hour traffic in the morning on I-95 to get there. So what? We go straight to the Jefferson Memorial, and we walk around for about three hours. I mean, there are just so many of them to see

“Then we grab a snack off a cart, and head over to the Washington Monument for a couple of hours. That big ol’ thing has to be the most interesting of all obelisks. It’s certainly my favorite. I mean, it just screams “George Washington,’ right?

“And then comes my favorite part of the trip–driving back home on I-95 during rush hour again. It’s such a nice wrap-up to a great big day of pink.” Uncle Larry doesn’t seem quite as excited.

“She can stare at all the pink trees she wants. I’ll be bringing a couple of friends with me, and their names are Jim Beam and Camel.”

Chess piece officially renamed “horsie”

You may have been calling it by another name for years, and now the high priests of chess won’t correct you when you call a certain chess piece something other than “knight.”

“I’ve had enough of this geekery,” says FIDE president Kirsan Ilyumzhinov. “These dweebs have been calling it a knight for too long. It’s a horsie. Just a little horse–nothing else. Does anyone else see a dude in plate armor riding on this thing? I didn’t think so.”

Ilyumzhinov, the former president of an autonomous Russian republic, pushed the change through FIDE’s rules council with a fear campaign that other FIDE council members call “The Reign of Terror.”The president isn’t so sure the “Reign of Terror” moniker is appropriate.

“Look. Just because I dish out a couple of wedgies doesn’t mean anyone should be terrified. Let’s just all grow up and call it a ‘horsie,’ huh?”