Jack Johnson’s 5th metal album another critical failure

There’s no doubt about it–critics just don’t like Jack Johnson’s brand of metal.

Rolling Stone calls To the Sea, Johnson’s latest offering to the metal gods, “the worst metal album since his last metal album. Way too chilled out. Try again.”

And proponents of the genre are equally unimpressed. “What is this crap?” asks Slayer frontman Tom Araya. “This guy thinks he’s metal? I wouldn’t call it that. It’s more like, I dunno, G. Love gone surfing or something.”

Johnson himself seems confused. “I don’t know, man. The whole time I’m writing, playing, and recording, my mantra is ‘Satan, Satan, pour me blood.’ I guess it’s just not working. I don’t know. Maybe I should go electric?”