Friday, April 1, 2011

Two incoherent toddlers are cuter than your kids

Bastions of journalism.
We at The Picayune Times regret to inform you that all major news outlets and pop culture sensibility have decided that these two diaper-clad jokers are cuter than your kids.

No, they can’t quite walk like your kids. They don’t have the innate fashion sense that your child has. And they certainly can’t use complete words or short phrases like your kids.

In fact, they mostly resemble the kind of guys that try to bum a cigarette off of your girlfriend outside a bar at 2 a.m.

But believe it, sister—their psychobabble is all the rage. And why shouldn’t it be? It’s not as if there’s much else going on in the news right now.

Thanks for being so cute and important, twins!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Chad leaves concerned voice mail for roommate Libya

'Nuff said.
Libya’s roommate, Chad, left the following message on Libya’s voice mail earlier this week.

“Hey man, it’s Chad. Listen—I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, but do you think I could get that 50 francs back you owe me?

“Tunisia heard that they’re projecting Uncle Buck on to the side of a warehouse downtown, so . . . We’re gonna pick up Algeria, grab some Four Loko, and go check it out. I’d ask if you wanted to go and all, but you know . . . I don’t try to pretend I can understand your plight and all, but . . . look, just forget it, all right? I’ll just catch up with you in class on Thursday, alright man?

“Just try not to get too crazy between now and then. And don’t forget—we’ve gotta pick up some ice for the Pi Phi mixer on Thursday night. Alright, man. Peace.”

Monday, March 28, 2011

Local husband plans sensible spending for tax refund

Almost as sensible as a homemade hot-air balloon.
It’s that wonderful time of year again—tax time. Filing returns can be stressful, but many anticipate receiving their return. While some folks might be making foolish decisions about how to spend their returns, local husband Danny Wilson is planning to make wiser decisions this year with his tax return.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I’m pretty sure my list of investments will brilliantly prepare my family for our future. I’m making these investments purely in the interests of my wife and three children. They’ll surely thank me come April.”

Mr. Wilson’s investments:

- 1,000 lottery tickets. “Obvious go-to investment. Highly likely to pay off.”
- A complete 1987 Topps baseball card set. “They’re coming back, and I’ll be ready.”
- 3 cases of mango Smirnoff Ice. “Bring it fellas.”
- 144 rolls of paper towels. “I’m not sure how I’ll get them home, but they never go bad, right?”
- 87" 3D television. “Great resale value. The kids will love the free Spongebob DVD.”
- Electric bass (no amp). “I’ll get the amp next year.”

“Who knows. Maybe I’ll get some dumb stuff too.”

Any other suggestions for Mr. Wilson?

Friday, March 25, 2011

Astronomers can’t believe you’ve forgotten the new zodiac sign

Ophiuchus = sweet snake-handling dude
It was just a couple of months ago that astronomers everywhere tried to bring Ophiuchus, the newest zodiac symbol, into our consciousness. However, by now the average person has forgotten—or completely dismissed—the idea of a new zodiac. Astronomers are not happy.

“Are you kidding me? This was the biggest news since the demotion of Pluto!” chides Michael Shane, head of the Physics Department at Kenyon College. “How can anyone think that there’s anything more important than this? This is madness!
                   
“I’ve spent years studying the sidereal patterns, and I have to tell you—if you’re not ready to make the switch to Ophiuchus, you’re doomed to a lifetime of incorrect predictions from astrologers and horoscopes.

“Besides—how could you dismiss such a cool new sign? I mean, c’mon—a snake handler? This guy’s awesome! What’s wrong with you?

“Good luck. You’re gonna need it, fool.”

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Ochocinco to try out for National Tetherball League

Yao Ming and Nate Robinson spend their summers in the N.T.L.
In the shadow of a possible NFL lockout, many players are looking to keep their options open. Chad Ochocinco is no exception.

“If this thing with Sporting K.C. doesn’t work out, I’m gonna need a backup. That’s where the N.T.L. comes in. Now I don’t know if I can get a starting position on a team, but even if I just get to be part of a practice squad, it should help me maintain my reflexes, stamina, and hand-eye coordination.

“I mean, I haven’t played tetherball since I was about 10 years old, but I’m pretty sure I can pick up where I left off. But don’t get me wrong—the players in this league are way better than I am. I mean, their skills are on a whole other level.

“If this doesn’t work out, there’s always the P.B.A. Bowling Tour and the N.A.S.P. (National Association of Snooker Players) Summer Snooker Slam.”

And who knows what else Mr. Ochocinco can do?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

New Doritos flavor: Spicy Asian Nacho Chipotle Ranch Pizza

Spicy Asian Nacho Chipotle Ranch Pizza!
That's right—Frito-Lay announced their newest Doritos flavor this week: Spicy Asian Nacho Chipotle Ranch Pizza. After years of marketing and ingredient research, the folks at Doritos are sure they’ve come up with a winner.

“Look. No one has thought of putting these flavors together before,” stated Cal Airy, president and CEO of Frito-Lay. “We’ve got a lot of products here at Frito-Lay, and I’m pretty sure this will be the most unique addition to the Doritos family we’ve ever introduced.

“I’m not even sure anyone has isolated these flavors and used them by themselves yet. I mean, do you even know what nacho is? And what about chipotle? Isn’t that some kind of rodent?

“Well, whatever they are, I’m pretty sure no one has put them on their spicy Asian ranch pizza yet.”

According to Mr. Airy, the chosen packaging test marketed well in Japan.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Hipster Gadhafi mostly upset over missing iPod

As tensions mount in Libya, many are wondering just what has driven Moammar Gadhafi to the extremes that have incurred the wrath of the U.N. As talking heads and the world’s leaders jockey to find solutions and explanations for Gadhafi’s outrageously dictatorial reaction to political protests in his country, it turns out there’s a relatively simple explanation.

“I dunno, man,” quipped Moammar this week, “I checked my messenger bag and the pouch on my Vespa, and I even sent a text to King Hussein. This is wack, yo. I can’t find my iPod anywhere.

“You may think it’s no big deal, Jack, but I needs my Crystal Castles. How am I supposed to keep an eye on the future, my country, and my threads simultaneously without 24/7 access to things like Captain Beefheart and my man Donald Fagen? Where are my menthols? Dammit!”

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Ethiopians may have discovered cheap, all-natural energy drink

As the African Society for Laboratory Medicine convenes for the first time this week, we may hear more about a major breakthrough in the effort to improve energy drinks. Ethiopian scientists may have made the key step of finding an easy way to isolate caffeine from more harmful ingredients like taurine, guarana, and heavy sodium.

“Actually, it was kind of an accident,” relates Debna Legnel, an assistant in a pharmacological lab in town. “As our lab isn’t located in downtown Addis Abba, there are many native plants growing on our campus. Some of these plants grow right outside our lab’s windows. We had a small fire in the lab this week, and a few of the Coffea arabica plants outside were charred. After a heavy rain, we noticed some mice outside drinking the dark water that had collected under the roasted plants.

“It was clear that the dark-water drinking mice exhibited different behavior from other mice. Their movements became erratic. They were increasingly interested in our discarded cigarette butts, and would scurry to sit beneath the window whenever any folk music came on the radio in our lab. We aren’t sure of what all the effects of drinking the dark water could be, but one thing is certain–these little devils have more energy.”
                                       
“So, harnessing the oils contained in the roasted beans of the coffee plant might yield a sustainable, inexpensive source of caffeine. We’re just not sure. We’ll have to run some more tests.”

The scientists have taken to roasting the beans of the coffee plant, grinding them into a powder, and steeping them in hot water to create a warm liquid. Their nicknames around the lab for the substance include names that translate loosely as “GoGo Juice,” “Toxic Sludge,” and “The Black Devil.”

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Shopping carts and baskets tired of being ditched go on strike

Doctor John is what I get when I Google "shopping cart on strike."
“Look, just because it’s someone’s job to put us back doesn’t mean it’s cool to leave us hanging around in a parking lot,” argues Thomas #3, the leader of the Shopping Conveyances’ Union Local #454.

Apparently, shoppers are frequently ditching their carts in places they shouldn’t–and enraging the carts themselves. And now the carts are doing something about it.

“If it wasn’t for me, you’d be stuck carrying your kid, 24 rolls of toilet paper, and a Jerry McGuire DVD in your hands. How about a little respect?”

Until further notice, the Union is on strike. They’re demanding higher wages, better housing, and an anti-choking game campaign for the workers that typically corral them. Let’s hope that retail locations everywhere can end this crisis so we can go back to buying a lot of stuff.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Scientists celebrate stunning new Mars findings

Scenes of joy and revelry have been the norm this week at Kennedy Space Center, where NASA scientists are ecstatic over the latest findings of the Mars rover Opportunity.

“It’s taken over seven years and nearly a billion dollars,” pined mission commander Ted Quigley, “and most people thought we’d never be able to do it. But guess what? We sent an r.c. car to Mars and drove it around. And now we can say with 100% accuracy that there’s nothing but red rocks and dust up there! Yeah!”

Not everyone agrees with the success of the project, though. Marcie Dodd of Princeton University’s Physics Department believes attention would have been better paid elsewhere. “What we should have done is sent an r.c. car to Venus. It’s all about Venus. It’s about the same size and shape as Earth, on average it’s closer to Earth than Mars, and it is just as uninhabitable and unlikely to yield anything useful or interesting.”

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Jack Johnson’s 5th metal album another critical failure

There’s no doubt about it–critics just don’t like Jack Johnson’s brand of metal.

Rolling Stone calls To the Sea, Johnson’s latest offering to the metal gods, “the worst metal album since his last metal album. Way too chilled out. Try again.”

And proponents of the genre are equally unimpressed. “What is this crap?” asks Slayer frontman Tom Araya. “This guy thinks he’s metal? I wouldn’t call it that. It’s more like, I dunno, G. Love gone surfing or something.”

Johnson himself seems confused. “I don’t know, man. The whole time I’m writing, playing, and recording, my mantra is ‘Satan, Satan, pour me blood.’ I guess it’s just not working. I don’t know. Maybe I should go electric?”

Monday, March 14, 2011

Major peanut butter brand sues choosy moms

You’ve probably heard Jif’s clever and harmless tagline before: “Choosy moms choose Jif.” What you may not have heard is that this wasn’t just a bit of clever advertising.

“No, it wasn’t just a couple of Don Drapers that came up with that one,” remarks Thomas Miller, chief legal counsel for the J.M. Smucker company. “Those choosy, overbearing hags made a deal with Jif, and Jif isn’t about to forget it. We’re gonna round up every one of these lying jerks and make them pay.”

Apparently the Choosy Moms of America, a consumer advocacy group active between 1975 and 1998, met with Jif at their invitation to offer ideas for improving their product. In turn, the choosy moms agreed to endorse and solely patronize the Jif brand.

Doris Goodland, the last official spokesperson for the CMA, isn’t so worried about the suit. “Maybe if they spent more time figuring out how to remove the 800% USRDA of saturated fat from their product instead of attacking a group of aging moms, they might have a chooseable product.

“I mean, come on. My son is 28 now. It’s not as if I’m still choosing the peanut butter for him.”

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Local aunt insists cherry blossom road trip to D.C. is worth it

“Every year your uncle and I take a trip down to see the cherry blossoms. What’s not to love?”

Aunt Linda Beecher, our mother’s sister, is a big fan of the nation’s capital–and its main horticultural attraction.

“So we have to fight rush hour traffic in the morning on I-95 to get there. So what? We go straight to the Jefferson Memorial, and we walk around for about three hours. I mean, there are just so many of them to see

“Then we grab a snack off a cart, and head over to the Washington Monument for a couple of hours. That big ol’ thing has to be the most interesting of all obelisks. It’s certainly my favorite. I mean, it just screams “George Washington,’ right?

“And then comes my favorite part of the trip–driving back home on I-95 during rush hour again. It’s such a nice wrap-up to a great big day of pink.” Uncle Larry doesn’t seem quite as excited.

“She can stare at all the pink trees she wants. I’ll be bringing a couple of friends with me, and their names are Jim Beam and Camel.”

Friday, March 11, 2011

Chess piece officially renamed “horsie”

You may have been calling it by another name for years, and now the high priests of chess won’t correct you when you call a certain chess piece something other than “knight.”

“I’ve had enough of this geekery,” says FIDE president Kirsan Ilyumzhinov. “These dweebs have been calling it a knight for too long. It’s a horsie. Just a little horse–nothing else. Does anyone else see a dude in plate armor riding on this thing? I didn’t think so.”

Ilyumzhinov, the former president of an autonomous Russian republic, pushed the change through FIDE’s rules council with a fear campaign that other FIDE council members call “The Reign of Terror.”The president isn’t so sure the “Reign of Terror” moniker is appropriate.

“Look. Just because I dish out a couple of wedgies doesn’t mean anyone should be terrified. Let’s just all grow up and call it a ‘horsie,’ huh?”

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Postmaster General claims overdue stamp design is “in the mail”

This week, the Post Office was scheduled to unveil its latest stamp design. However, when it didn’t arrive in Washington on time for today’s unveiling ceremony, U.S. Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe offered an all-too-familiar explanation.

“Our R&D department is on the West Coast, so it naturally takes a few days for our designs to get here. I don’t know if bad weather over our Cincinnati distribution center is to blame, but I’m pretty sure the design will get here by the end of the week.”

When The Picayune Times boldly asked Mr. Donahoe if he’d ever considered other methods for sending the design across the continent, he was adamant about his choice of delivery.

“UPS and FedEx? Amateurs. You wouldn’t ask a kid to do a man’s job. And e-mail? That’s for suckers. You can’t trust digital. Analog’s true blue, baby.

“I just hope those freaks in L.A. put the right postage on the envelope. I mean, that would be pretty embarrassing, right?”

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Local karaoke sensation thinks he might be terrible

Every Wednesday night for the past five years, you would have been able to catch Richard Jones, a.k.a. “Mr. Jobangles,” signing karaoke at the Dew Drop Inn. But tonight, it’s a different story.

“I used to think the other patrons loved me. I thought the other folks in the bar on Wednesdays were just whistling because they were trying to get a friend’s attention, or that they were booing because they didn’t like the people who were whistling. Or maybe they were getting up and leaving because they had an appointment. I dunno. I know I’m not perfect, but who doesn’t want to hear ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree’?

“But last week really stunned me. A guy at the end of the bar started shaking while I was singing an encore of Robert Goulet’s “What Now My Love,” and then he threw his car keys at me. I thought he just wanted me to give him a ride home, so I was like, ‘maybe next week, Billy Ocean.’

“Then he threw his beer at me, and I said, ‘no thanks, I’ve already got a drink.’ But then he started screaming, and his head just exploded. There was blood everywhere. I made it through the song, but I was shocked.

“I don’t know for sure, but I think I heard the DJ say, ‘alright, let’s give a hand to Mr. Jobangles, the worst karaoke singer in the history of mankind.’

“I don’t think I should go back this week. I may not be as good as I thought I was.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

NBA blames low attendance on absent statisticians

The empty seats filling NBA arenas over the past few seasons are no secret. However, NBA commissioner David Stern has a good explanation for the low attendance figures.

“Yes, there are a few empty seats, but guess what? The Statisticians Union is on strike. They’re not at the games to count the seats. So how can we trust the numbers? Especially when they’re skewed by one or two because the counters aren’t there?

“Don’t trust the current figures–from Chicago to Philadelphia, the NBA is as vibrant as ever!”

The Picayune Times caught up with Martin Yackoff, one of the members of the Union.

“Strike? Nonsense. Would you go to an NBA game if it were your job? Well, neither would I.”

Monday, March 7, 2011

Major League Soccer expands to Timmy’s backyard

MLS commissioner Don Garber could barely contain himself this evening when he announced the latest expansion site for Major League Soccer: Timmy Wilson’s backyard.

“We think that between the fence on three sides of the playing surface, the skybox view from the tree house, and Mrs. Wilson’s cookies and lemonade, Timmy’s backyard will be a premier location for our next expansion club.

“The sight lines from the back porch are pretty great, and we believe goalkeepers will appreciate the shadows cast by the overhanging oaks. We really think the fans and the players will enjoy the intimacy of the new field. Play ball!

Critics, however, are not as enthusiastic. They claim that a lack of diversity in the neighborhood, low local tax revenues, and poor public transportation access will likely spell eventual doom for the new location.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

John C. Reilly not actually in every movie

Despite popular opinion and apparent evidence to the contrary, The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed this week that “ubiquitous” star of stage and screen John C. Reilly has not actually been in every movie ever made.

“It’s clear that he’s tried to be in everything,” stated AMPAA spokesperson Anne Dewey, “but we’ve actually discovered some movies–even some made in the past ten years–in which John C. Reilly has not appeared.

“Of the over 5,200 films we reviewed, we managed to find 26 that didn’t feature John C. Reilly. So, to call him ‘ubiquitous’ isn’t really accurate.”

The actor himself was unavailable for comment. We can only assume he was busy with another project.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Music historian claims Milli was “way better than” Vanilli

“Without a doubt,” insists Gus Vandersloot, Professor Emeritus of Pop Music at Yale University, “my extensive research shows that Milli was the undeniable wellspring of talent in the band.”

Vandersloot is the preeminent expert on Milli Vanilli, the ill-fated duo of that skyrocketed to fame–and into our hearts–by wrapping up the Eighties with their synchronous dancing and “singing.” After being defrauded as lip-synching hacks, many assumed that both Milli and Vanilli were talentless. Vandersloot disagrees.

“I’ve spent hours poring over footage of their rehearsals, concerts, and video shoots, and one thing is clear–Milli was way better than Vanilli.

“Neither could sing that well, obviously. And honestly, I guess neither could dance. But, I mean, Vanilli was really terrible. It took them five days just to film the video for ‘Blame it on the Rain.’ because of Vanilli.

“Instead of lip synching, he mostly just danced in place. And he’d keep taking breaks to make out with his various girlfriends. The folks making the video didn’t know what to do, so they just filmed it all and put it in the video. Ridiculous.”