Two incoherent toddlers are cuter than your kids

Bastions of journalism.

We at The Picayune Times regret to inform you that all major news outlets and pop culture sensibility have decided that these two diaper-clad jokers are cuter than your kids.

No, they can’t quite walk like your kids. They don’t have the innate fashion sense that your child has. And they certainly can’t use complete words or short phrases like your kids.

In fact, they mostly resemble the kind of guys that try to bum a cigarette off of your girlfriend outside a bar at 2 a.m.

But believe it, sister—their psychobabble is all the rage. And why shouldn’t it be? It’s not as if there’s much else going on in the news right now.

Thanks for being so cute and important, twins!

Chad leaves concerned voice mail for roommate Libya

'Nuff said.

Libya’s roommate, Chad, left the following message on Libya’s voice mail earlier this week.

“Hey man, it’s Chad. Listen—I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, but do you think I could get that 50 francs back you owe me?

“Tunisia heard that they’re projecting Uncle Buck on to the side of a warehouse downtown, so . . . We’re gonna pick up Algeria, grab some Four Loko, and go check it out. I’d ask if you wanted to go and all, but you know . . . I don’t try to pretend I can understand your plight and all, but . . . look, just forget it, all right? I’ll just catch up with you in class on Thursday, alright man?

“Just try not to get too crazy between now and then. And don’t forget—we’ve gotta pick up some ice for the Pi Phi mixer on Thursday night. Alright, man. Peace.”

Local husband plans sensible spending for tax refund

Almost as sensible as a homemade hot-air balloon.

It’s that wonderful time of year again—tax time. Filing returns can be stressful, but many anticipate receiving their return. While some folks might be making foolish decisions about how to spend their returns, local husband Danny Wilson is planning to make wiser decisions this year with his tax return.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I’m pretty sure my list of investments will brilliantly prepare my family for our future. I’m making these investments purely in the interests of my wife and three children. They’ll surely thank me come April.”

Mr. Wilson’s investments:

- 1,000 lottery tickets. “Obvious go-to investment. Highly likely to pay off.”
- A complete 1987 Topps baseball card set. “They’re coming back, and I’ll be ready.”
- 3 cases of mango Smirnoff Ice. “Bring it fellas.”
- 144 rolls of paper towels. “I’m not sure how I’ll get them home, but they never go bad, right?”
- 87" 3D television. “Great resale value. The kids will love the free Spongebob DVD.”
- Electric bass (no amp). “I’ll get the amp next year.”

“Who knows. Maybe I’ll get some dumb stuff too.”

Any other suggestions for Mr. Wilson?

Astronomers can’t believe you’ve forgotten the new zodiac sign

Ophiuchus = sweet snake-handling dude

It was just a couple of months ago that astronomers everywhere tried to bring Ophiuchus, the newest zodiac symbol, into our consciousness. However, by now the average person has forgotten—or completely dismissed—the idea of a new zodiac. Astronomers are not happy.

“Are you kidding me? This was the biggest news since the demotion of Pluto!” chides Michael Shane, head of the Physics Department at Kenyon College. “How can anyone think that there’s anything more important than this? This is madness!
                   
“I’ve spent years studying the sidereal patterns, and I have to tell you—if you’re not ready to make the switch to Ophiuchus, you’re doomed to a lifetime of incorrect predictions from astrologers and horoscopes.

“Besides—how could you dismiss such a cool new sign? I mean, c’mon—a snake handler? This guy’s awesome! What’s wrong with you?

“Good luck. You’re gonna need it, fool.”

Ochocinco to try out for National Tetherball League

Yao Ming and Nate Robinson spend their summers in the N.T.L.

In the shadow of a possible NFL lockout, many players are looking to keep their options open. Chad Ochocinco is no exception.

“If this thing with Sporting K.C. doesn’t work out, I’m gonna need a backup. That’s where the N.T.L. comes in. Now I don’t know if I can get a starting position on a team, but even if I just get to be part of a practice squad, it should help me maintain my reflexes, stamina, and hand-eye coordination.

“I mean, I haven’t played tetherball since I was about 10 years old, but I’m pretty sure I can pick up where I left off. But don’t get me wrong—the players in this league are way better than I am. I mean, their skills are on a whole other level.

“If this doesn’t work out, there’s always the P.B.A. Bowling Tour and the N.A.S.P. (National Association of Snooker Players) Summer Snooker Slam.”

And who knows what else Mr. Ochocinco can do?

New Doritos flavor: Spicy Asian Nacho Chipotle Ranch Pizza

Spicy Asian Nacho Chipotle Ranch Pizza!

That's right—Frito-Lay announced their newest Doritos flavor this week: Spicy Asian Nacho Chipotle Ranch Pizza. After years of marketing and ingredient research, the folks at Doritos are sure they’ve come up with a winner.

“Look. No one has thought of putting these flavors together before,” stated Cal Airy, president and CEO of Frito-Lay. “We’ve got a lot of products here at Frito-Lay, and I’m pretty sure this will be the most unique addition to the Doritos family we’ve ever introduced.

“I’m not even sure anyone has isolated these flavors and used them by themselves yet. I mean, do you even know what nacho is? And what about chipotle? Isn’t that some kind of rodent?

“Well, whatever they are, I’m pretty sure no one has put them on their spicy Asian ranch pizza yet.”

According to Mr. Airy, the chosen packaging test marketed well in Japan.

Hipster Gadhafi mostly upset over missing iPod

As tensions mount in Libya, many are wondering just what has driven Moammar Gadhafi to the extremes that have incurred the wrath of the U.N. As talking heads and the world’s leaders jockey to find solutions and explanations for Gadhafi’s outrageously dictatorial reaction to political protests in his country, it turns out there’s a relatively simple explanation.

“I dunno, man,” quipped Moammar this week, “I checked my messenger bag and the pouch on my Vespa, and I even sent a text to King Hussein. This is wack, yo. I can’t find my iPod anywhere.

“You may think it’s no big deal, Jack, but I needs my Crystal Castles. How am I supposed to keep an eye on the future, my country, and my threads simultaneously without 24/7 access to things like Captain Beefheart and my man Donald Fagen? Where are my menthols? Dammit!”